Talking to your kids about violence and tragedy

The events that unfolded this week at a middle school in Mt. Horeb, Wisconsin, and violent protests at college campuses across the nation have left a lot of people saddened and scared. These events have many of us asking a lot of questions, including: How do I talk to my child about all of this?

SSM Health Child Psychiatrist Bhawani Ballamudi, MD, says providing reassurance and making kids feel safe in their own environment is the key. Hearing about the events from a trusted adult is the best way to bolster that sense of safety.

“It’s important to create an open and supportive environment for the kids to ask questions,” says Dr. Ballamudi. “Be patient, as the questions may come back again and again as the kids are making sense of these things they are seeing in the news.”

Be honest when talking with your kids. Try to keep the information simple, factual without excessive emotion or drama.

“Kids react more to the emotion sometimes than to the contents of the conversation,” according to Dr. Ballamudi. “It’s OK to show that you are sad but monitor your own emotional intensity as you speak to your child.”

Here are important things to keep in mind when talking to children about tragedies. 

• Keep the explanations developmentally appropriate and age-specific. The younger the child, the more generic you need to keep the conversation.
• Acknowledge and validate children’s feelings, emotions and reactions, and let them know it’s normal to have these emotions.
• Kids tend to personalize the experience and worry about their own situation. Let them know that there are a lot of nice people who are there for them to talk to.
• Avoid excessive exposure to TV news and media coverage. Kids sometimes do not understand if this is repeated coverage or if there has been another incident.
• Remind them of the safety protocols their school follows that would prevent intruders from coming inside.
• If possible, talk about your/their involvement and efforts to make the community a safer place for everyone.

"Children are quite resilient," Ballamudi says, "Most will return to their normal activities and personality fairly quickly, but parents should be alert to any signs of anxiety that might suggest that a child or teenager needs more assistance."